Why We’re Emotionally Exhausted

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Welcome back to the Be Well Podcast. I'm your host, Nia Howard, and today we're exploring a kind of rest that's often overlooked. It's called emotional rest.
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You know those days when you smiled all day long, supported everybody else, stayed calm in every situation, and then
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you get home and you feel completely drained even though you didn't do anything physically exhausting. Well, that's emotional fatigue. Emotional rest
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is the permission to stop performing, to stop filtering, and stop carrying everything quietly. It's the space to be
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your full honest self without the pressure to be fine or strong all the time. In this episode, we're going to
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talk about what emotional rest actually is, why so many of us struggle to get it, and how you can start creating small
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healing moments of emotional rest in your day. So, let's get into it.
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I'm unbreakable. So, hi guys. Hi.
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Hey, welcome. Well, we always love to start with just checking in with ourselves. And so, so our besties that
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may not know, we use our self assessment. And for us, we do a scale from zero all the way calm and at peace, but all the way up to a number five
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where sometimes we can feel like we really need that extra support. And I really I really love this assessment. We bring it with us well wherever we go
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really because it is just what we deserve. We deserve to be able to kind of look into ourselves and ask ourselves
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maybe for the first time today or this week, how are we actually doing? So without judgment and just kind of a
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starting point. So my question is how are you guys?
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Yeah, I think I'm probably at a one today. And I think it's important to note that this scale measures distress, right?
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That's right.
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And so we know we're humans and there's all the things happening all the time and we can feel more than one thing at once. But I think on this particular scale, I'm probably about a one, which is pretty close to my baseline.
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Yeah, I would say about a one, two, settling into myself. And bonus for our besties, this is actually the self
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assessment is a practice in emotional rest, which we're going to get into. I'm sure it bonuses. Yeah. And I think me,
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too. I think I'm I think I'm going to say 1.5 just it's a it's a good day. You know, we're back at it and uh lots of stuff going on. So, we did talk about
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the fact that this is about emotional rest. So, emotional rest might kind of think, what does that even what does
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that mean, right? When we think of the word rest, people could probably easily say, "Oh, well, getting enough sleep, which I don't, or you know, wish I
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could, taking a nap, or taking a nap or uh yeah, on the weekend, having that extra time to take a nap or at your desk if you're really
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committed to the rest of people think about like PTO or time off, taking time off, getting away um or even just having just a minute to themselves.
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Maybe that is enough." But we're going to talk a little bit deeper about that because emotional rest really is the idea of gosh being able to be in it with
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who you are authentically, right? Being in a space that is safe to you that you can say the things you need to say, ask
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for the help that you might need, express the feelings and the emotions that you have as you as the person.
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So this is what we're going to talk about today and that's kind of exciting. Yeah. And this this comes from Dr.
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Sandra Dalton or Sandra Dalton Smith's work um she kind of created the theory of seven types of rest saying that yes
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sleep is a form of rest but just one of many many kinds. So this we're just focusing on emotional rest today. That's right.
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That's right. So with that being said, can you all think of some times that you kind of knew that you're you were needing a little bit of emotional rest?
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Maybe you have some examples that are kind of specific, you know, to just so our best can kind of think, hm, because sometimes when we share our own examples, someone can say, "Ah, me too.
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Wait a minute." Um, yeah. So, I um when I think about this, I am a caregiver at heart and I have
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been since my earliest memories. I'm a middle child. I have always been the one that was checking in on everybody else to make sure that everybody's okay and
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feeling all right. I did that throughout my young being a young adult. Um I was always the person that my friends came
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to when they had something emotionally going on.
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And so for me, emotional exhaustion probably happens faster than some of the
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other needs for rest because I am constantly absorbing or checking on everybody else. And an example I can think of is again being a middle child.
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Anytime I go to a family function, family systems are a fun, weird, interesting thing, right? And no matter how old we are, how long we are into our
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adulthood, we can often I can step into my family system and go right back to 8-year-old Bailey where I am like, okay,
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is somebody saying something that's making somebody else feel upset and did they get enough food and I, you know, they are sound a little more sarcastic
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than usual or this person had just made a funny face and I think maybe I need to check on them to make sure they're okay.
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I am constantly observing usually not even um vocalizing but just observing people's non
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nonverbal behavior or how they're saying things or what they're saying and how other people's reactions to that and
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espe and I have a large family so that is 22 people that I am like okay how are all my nieces and nephews doing let me
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check in on all of them are they okay how are the parents doing how are my siblings doing how is my aunt and my 92-year-old grandma doing and I am I'm
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constantly going through that and whether I spend an hour with my family or 3 hours with my family at the end I
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feel emotionally drained because of all of that checking in on people so that I can I can feel that the most I think
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that's one of the most more salient examples I I can give just thinking through being that natural caregiver role
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yeah I think I think the most specific example that has happened to me recently is I just came back from a trip um and I
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don't know if y'all have ever experienced a travel day where like all you have done is sit at the airport and then you get up and you go and sit on
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the plane and that's all you do all day but at the end of the day you're just wiped every time can't wait to get home, can't wait to
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get to your hotel, whatever it is because you're just exhausted and it's not even like a physical exhaustion. So, I was flying home from Miami um in a
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significantly larger airport than my home airport, which is literally in a cow pasture, right? And you land with a hand. Shout out SGF airport.
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Um but I we spent several hours and we had a layover at another large international airport and we probably
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traveled it was a 16- hour travel day, but probably 15 of those hours were just sitting at the airport, right, waiting
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to get home. And when I got home, I was exhausted and I had no idea why until I stopped and like the next day cuz I went immediately to sleep when I got home.
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Um, but I stopped and I thought about it and I was like, "Oh, I spent 16 hours like assessing to make sure I was safe.
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I was absorbing other people's emotion.
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I was absorbing body language and facial expressions and all the things. And it just wiped me."
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Yeah. Well, and you feel like you can't let your guard down at the Whether an emotional guard, a physical guard, like it is I have to be on, I
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have to be aware. For me, I this resonates so deeply because I am one of those people, again, caretaker at heart,
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where I'm like, "Oh, am I making somebody else feel socially uncomfortable if I step in this way or these people are breaking all the social
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rules of lining up before their gate is called or their their boarding number is called and now you're making these people feel really uncomfortable and
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that person looks really upset and like, am I giving off the right vibes at TSA so that I don't get an extra time, Yeah. Right.
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It is all about Yeah. that social norms and it's just emotionally exhausting. Theme parks do the same thing. Theme parks.
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Well, and then there's like a time frame in there too, right? You need to catch the plane, but it's you actually have the layover and you your family too. You know, there's only a certain amount of
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time that you have. So, reading people's emotions, um kind of having room for your own too, but sometimes those get passed off.
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Um it sounds like that that whole thing that we talked about about being on, right? feeling like you have this switch like for me it's a dial you know the
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dials turn up you know and we really need it sometime to come back down well I think both of those examples you were with your family and friends and those so it kind of leads me to the idea
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of connection we talk a lot about connection at be well and matter of fact we really love to talk about connection because connection is of course connection with other people right when
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we're in a workplace um which is where we are right now being able to come into work and have the connections with people being able to know that someone's
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on our side if we have a question or someone can help us with that question.
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Um, being kind of on the same same team, you know, that our thoughts and ideas or our goals. Um, but also that connection
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is for ourselves being able to know ourselves, needing being able to know that if something is going a little bit um gosh, what what will we need next?
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And sometimes it's not something huge, sometimes it's something kind of small.
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So centering around that idea of connection, what do you think is sometimes sometimes it's the fact that
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like Shel's example, sometimes when we have a lot of people around us and well Bailey's example, having people around
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us, we can still feel disconnected. We can still feel I guess it's unsafe. You had mentioned being safe before. So can you talk to
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that? Sometimes even though we have people around us, sometimes we still don't have that rest that we need.
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Yeah. Oh, and I think about like my family. I love my family and my family loves me deeply and I care deeply about them. And I don't even think that it's
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that if I came to them and said like I'm feeling just really upset or really sad about this thing or this keeps on that
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they would be like don't talk to me about that. But my role has always been caring for other people. And so it is the um I can be surrounded by my family
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and still feel emotionally exhausted because that's the pattern that I've fallen into, right? And that's with my people. But I think there are other
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times where like I think about stepping into a room room full of professionals maybe that I don't know very well. like
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I we we recently gave um a talk to a group of leaders from the this Springfield area and although I felt
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safe like in that space or people that I don't know very well and feel like I have to be on and it's a room full of 20
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people and but I've I'm putting on professional Bailey hat. I'm checking it again. I'm checking in on their emotions and how they're doing as leaders and
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human beings. And so I walk out of that space. It's only an hour, but I I will walk I walked out of that space like
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and just feeling completely exhausted even though I'm I am checking in on people and at times even transparent
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about also how I am feeling and going and experiencing that moment too. I think that the the piece that has to
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happen for me to be that emotionally restorative part is feeling like I can
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kind of bring those walls or masks down and just be truly authentic much like I am with you all in a lot of spaces and
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being like, "Oh my gosh, like it's just one more thing. I can't I can't do this in this moment or it feels really hard in this moment." And being able to do that unfiltered.
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Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
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Yeah. And I think kind of along those lines is like you said connecting to yourself too, right? We are arguably more connected than we ever have been
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before with things like social media and and easy access to cell phones and all the things. But we are also in a world where things are moving so so fast that
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it is so easy to get lost in the well I have to be this person, I have to be this at work and I have to do this for my friends and I have to do these
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things. And it's really easy, at least for me, uh, for me to be the last person to to worry about, right? Worried about
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being connected to all the other people, making sure all the other people are okay, and then I get home and I just like doom scroll for 6 hours because I
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have nothing left to give myself. And then it's just a perpetual cycle of I'm giving everything to other people. I don't have anything for myself. And so I just feel untethered, right?
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Well, and let's be honest, doom scrolling and I do the same thing. same.
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But doom scrolling and having access to 8 billion people's trauma does not help that the emotional exhaustion piece,
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right? We're just seeing all the heartbreak and the heartache in the world. And if we're somebody who's empathetic or compassionate or very tuned into that, then that drains more.
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And I do I do the same thing often times where I need emotional rest but then I the the actions I take actually drain me
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further versus being restorative if I'm not intentional about it or in tune.
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Yeah. And I think it is just that intentionality piece, right? We have to our world is not going to give us opportunities for rest. So we're going to have to build it in.
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That brings in that knowing ourselves again. We kind of talked to our besties a lot about that as as we go along together as we uh work on this podcast together.
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We're trying to bring ideas and kind of some just some touch base points. So I wonder too, do we have some things that
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we can kind of pinpoint when we maybe we maybe we maybe we even see it in other people. Maybe we start to see other
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people that need emotional rest or maybe it's us. What are some of the things that you're seeing that happen or or maybe some of the things that happen to you?
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Some of those red flags to be aware of.
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I think for me it's almost the opposite of what you would think. It's for me it's like the wall comes down and I just
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physically feel everybody's emotions and wow um the slightest facial expression change and I'm like
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what's wrong like how can I fix it? And so when I need that emotional rest, that's what I really notice is that I I can't stop the doom scroll because
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there's some part of my brain that is like these people are hurting so bad and like just digging into it. And then it's also walking into a room full of our
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co-workers or our friends and being like people are not okay and how do I make them okay? And when I recognize that in
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myself, I'm like, "Oh, girl, you got to take a break, take a few days off, take care of yourself, do something."
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Well, mine mine's the other extreme. So, I tend to numb out and detach a lot. Not just from people in general, but particularly the people I'm closest to.
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Um, I tend to be more irritable or on edge. Unfortunately, it is my spouse and my family that usually that tend to get
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the raw end of that deal. I and there are times where my partner will look at me and be like, "Are you okay?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fine. Like, I've got it
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all together. Can't you see this thing that I'm holding together?" And he's like, "You just seem really distant and on edge." And that is usually an
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indicator because I am so entrenched in it a lot of times and because it happens so quickly for me that I don't recognize
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it. And it's usually him being like, "Hey, how are you?" And I'm like, "Fine." Can't you see that I'm fine?
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He's like, "Actually, let me these things have been happening. You've been a little more distance. You're kind of on edge. You're hiding off reading a
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book and like not hanging out with a family at all. Like, are you okay?" And I'm like, "Happy birthday. I don't know." And it usually
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takes this prompting from the people that I care about the most honestly um to help point me in the right direction.
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And at first when I was younger and we were earlier in our relationship, that was really hard. Um, as I get older, I'm
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trying to take that with a little less personal attack and more like, oh, okay, all of these things that I thought I was
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doing really well in hiding and masking, maybe not so not not going so well.
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Yeah. Well, I like that your examples were different because you obviously are different people, too. And we know that our besties are all different as well.
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And um I love the idea that you said that even in your marriage, right, the person that knows you the best, sometimes it's still hard to admit, I
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guess we'll say admit that there's something else that you need. And thank goodness that we have people sometimes in our life that can kind of press in a little bit and and give us the
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opportunity. It might not be that moment, right? It might be a little bit later down that day or, you know, even the next day when you actually decide, okay, all right, I guess I do need a little something extra.
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There there might be some truth to this.
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You might be right. So with that, so you told the story of being like, it's fine, it's fine. You know, what you're telling me that I'm not fine, it's fine.
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So we talk about how important emotional rest is because it's not just that rest of our body, right? Taking a nap, um being able to be refreshed like that,
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but instead it's a it's a refresh and it is a getting to know ourselves deeper, getting to know ourselves so much so that we might know what we might need
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next. Doesn't have to be big. Maybe it could be even the smallest thing. So, I wonder why that emotional rest is so hard for us to get.
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I think it for me often times stems from what Shelby was saying and it's the awareness piece like um it is being
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aware that that is the kind of rest that I'm needing and and how to make that happen. If I'm also being completely honest, because caregiving is natural to
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me and also because of the role that we're in, rest can sometimes be hard to
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achieve because we are our job is to support other people all of the time and I love that and there are many times
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where if I am healthy and in a good space that actually emotionally energizes me but if I am if I am in that
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space where I'm teetering myself, then it can be really really difficult for me to say like, "Oo, I deserve this, too."
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It is very convenient for me to check in. And I've I think I've said this before, but to check in on all my people and make sure they're okay and ignore
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what's happening in my own head and heart and care for myself. And I for me personally, that's usually where some of that challenge comes in.
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Yeah. And I think there's so our world is so fast-paced, right? Yeah.
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And our world is not going to give us opportunities for rest. But I also think there's some like societal expectations
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around emotional rest and not being okay that I think can play into some of that, right? Like we feel even if it's nobody
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is directly looking at us and saying, "Bailey, you can't be emotionally tired, right?" But we feel like we have to keep up this appearance or well, all these
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people on social media look like they're fine. um or the people that we see at work look like they're fine and so I have to be fine too, right? And I think
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there's a little bit of that outside pressure that we internalize.
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Well, and we've talked, we've mentioned this before, too, but there's a bit of badge of honor in our society too about wearing our exhaustion. Yeah. And
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emotional exhaustion, too. And we say things like, "I'm emotionally exhausted a lot." And it usually that is some like
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a cultural norm or indicator that you the people in our lives are maybe acting
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a fool or whatever, right? But it's I we we tend to be like I'm emotionally exhausted because I'm so in tune and
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aware of a buzz word instead of it being like a oh like this is a red flag that I need
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to care for my brain a little bit differently or that I'm deserving something maybe extra right now. Yeah, make like making the emotions into like a bad thing, you know, but we know that
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we need to care for our emotions. So, as we close up, any of you have a little tip that you'd like to leave or just one last thing that we want to leave our
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besties with as we talk about this thing about emotional rest and how we might be able to kind of be kind to ourselves as we learn we learn more about it.
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Yeah, I think um the first step is just being aware um and realizing that it's okay. You're not broken. Your brain is
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doing exactly what it's supposed to do, right? if you are tired. And so start with being aware and then start with small steps, right? If you have a best
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friend that is just like you can finally when you sit with them just doing nothing, you can finally take a deep breath and be yourself. Schedule
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time with them. Um for me that's like my bestie. That's my parents. I will take my dog and spend a weekend with my parents because it's like being a kid
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again and I don't have to manage their emotions. I don't have to manage my emotions. I can just be. So yeah, I think be aware and then schedule some time in to take care of yourself.
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Yeah, I think my biggest takeaway for our besties would just be there and kind of alluding to what Shelby said too, there's nothing wrong or broken about us
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when we need emotional rest. I think a lot of times, especially speaking from personal experience,
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um we try to be the strong one or the one holding it